Salt or Pepper?

How do you know which shaker is for salt and which is for pepper? The debate rages.

I believe that in unmarked shakers it is most appropriate for the salt to be placed in the shaker with fewer or smaller openings. Salt, with its robust flavor, should be taken in sparing amounts so as not to deviate too far from the chef’s intent. Pepper can be enjoyed as liberally as one prefers.

Additionally, pepper consists of larger flakes accommodated best by larger or more holes. Salt is heavier and flows smoothly making it easier to shake out too much salt unless the flow is restricted.

The RSVP -- Don't Ignore It

Guests who don’t respond to invitations create frustration for hosts of large events and private parties across the country every day. Ignoring the RSVP must stop.

RSVP is an acronym for a French phrase meaning “please respond.” It is the way for the host to say, “Let me know if you’re going to come so that I can plan accordingly.” Although guests really should respond immediately, hosts even now give a date by when they should respond.

Guests must respond whether they are going to attend or if they must decline. Let me say that another way: You must respond both if you are coming and if you are not. This is information the host needs.

Recently I co-hosted a brunch for a non-profit organization. About 70 invitations went out that included an RSVP deadline. We received about 35 responses declining the invitation, which we were happy to have. A “no” to a host is equally important as a “yes.”

We received about six acceptances. From the other 25 invitations we received no response at all. While etiquette would allow me to call all those who did not respond and ask them personally if they were planning to attend, I did not want to do that. I had issued the invitation; it was then their duty to respond.

When I was no longer able to hold off the caterer, I had to consider the 25 “no responses” as “nos.” My co-host and I decided to cancel the event because of lack of interest. This left us the task of calling the 30 people who had responded “yes” or given no response to tell them of the cancellation.

We made an effort to speak personally with all who had responded “yes,” but most of the rest received a voice mail explanation. Truthfully, I was happy that I didn’t have to speak personally to them. I didn’t want to embarrass them, but I also did not want to inconvenience them by having them show up at a party that had been canceled.

I believe ignoring the RSVP is a behavior pattern that may be a product of our busy lives. People have fallen into a habit of setting invitations aside. Perhaps they feel they don’t yet know what their schedule will demand on that date four weeks from now or the demands of the moment interfere with their ability to make a phone call or send back a response card. That may have been the case a time or two, leading them into the bad habit of ignoring the RSVP and causing a crisis in planning for hosts, brides and event planners everywhere.

To avoid this problem in my own busy life, I’ve made an effort to develop a habit of responding immediately to invitations so that I don’t forget or get so busy that the deadline passes with the invitation under a pile of “to dos” on my desk. I encourage everyone to make this effort with me. The hosts of the world will thank us.

A prompt response and good manners never go out of style.

Photo credit: Christine (flickr.com)

Seat Saving Considerations

I've been asked about saving rows of seats at a graduation ceremony. Is it acceptable?

I believe one person saving a whole row of seats is not acceptable. It is especially frustrating and inconsiderate when the seat saver’s companions show up just as the event begins. It leaves those who are considerate enough to come early and find a seat very annoyed. Everyone else had made an effort to arrive on time, and yet the savers allow their guests to barely make it.

I see nothing wrong with a person saving a seat on either side of his or her own seat, but any more than that borders on being inconsiderate and possibly rude.

Photo credit: Matt McGee (flickr.com)

The Swine Flu Elbow Bump

I visited Washington, D.C., recently for a national medical conference and was introduced to the "elbow bump."

I went to introduce myself to one of the doctors in attendance and put out my hand for a handshake. He proceeded to offer me his elbow.

“This is what we’re doing now,” he said, encouraging me to bump my elbow to his rather than shake hands in deference to swine flu.

I realize that we don’t want to cause anyone to be sick or to become sick ourselves, but this is not something I will encourage or promote. You will not become sick just by touching another person’s hand. If you are concerned, keep your hands away from your eyes, mouth and nose to avoid germs entering your system, and wash your hands every time you have a chance. If you are sick, stay home.

The connection created by a handshake is important. The bump of an elbow just doesn’t seem like a universal substitute.

Photo credit: ooh.ooh (flickr.com)

Summertime's coming: Is the living easy?

As parents plan for the summer I encourage them to take it as an opportunity for dialog and interaction with their children. Use this time to explore with your kids where they are in life, how certain goals have been met or have changed, and how to use the summer to learn and grow as well as to relax and create their own fun.

Parents who work full-time outside of the home will have to find meaningful and safe activities that accommodate their schedules, but all parents can use the process of summer planning to give their kids the opportunity to think about what they’d like to do or try. All their ideas may not be practical or in their best interest, but they can be open for discussion, consideration and even just dreaming about together.

And as you go through the process, consider the gift of time this summer – time to hang out together, time in which there’s “nothing” to do, time to learn to relax. In our overscheduled, fast-moving world, we could all benefit from learning a little more of that. And if someone disapproves, just tell them you’re advancing their behavioral and social education.

Summertime and good manners never go out of style.

Friendship in Flux

What do you do when a friendship reaches a point where things have changed and you don't feel like such great friends anymore? Lives do move on and people and their situations change. When those changes happen in a friendship, one side often feels rejected, and rejection is one of the most difficult emotions with which to deal.

If you're the one feeling rejected, you’ve got a choice to make. You can let rejection take you down the path that many take, that of getting angry and making judgments and excuses. But better for you might be to think kindly, stay peaceful and work to avoid that stress in your life.

Look at the situation objectively. Has something that once bonded you been removed from the picture – like similar professional lives or children with common interests? Have other activities or people entered your lives that have changed the dynamics of your friendship? You may realize too that while your friendship doesn’t have to end, it may be time for change.

Use your heartsense to make good choices. Stay friendly and courteous, but let the relationship take its natural course. Forcing the issue either way may cause undue stress and even pain.

Friendships change, but good manners never go out of style.

Pack a Little Heartsense for the Flight

It’s Spring Break time, meaning many families may be flying with children. Little can be done about a child’s excited squeals of delight or the cries that come from pressure changes. However, there are things parents can do to keep the flight as pleasant as possible.

Talk with children on their level beforehand to explain what’s expected. As a parent, be prepared to be “on.” If you expect to be entertaining the little people for the duration of the flight, it won’t become a stress inducer. When the activities you brought get boring, get creative. Shop the Sky Mall catalog together or take a walk up the aisle. Produce a surprise item stashed in a carry-on. A whole roll of Scotch tape to himself could keep a three-year-old entertained for …minutes.

Those without children should pack a little heartsense along with their noise-cancelling headphones. Sometimes the best efforts of parents do not lead to complete control.

Friendly skies and good manners never go out of style.

Computer Connections

I spent about two weeks recently without my computer and have come to some new realizations. If I had any doubt or negative feelings on using the computer to communicate or fears about lack of respect conveyed through it, they’re gone.

I missed my computer terribly. I felt I lost real contact with people who are in my personal world. With it I’ve created a tangible network of people who are important to my life, but who, like me, are busy. We rarely are available at the same time for a phone chat and we schedule our lunch dates weeks in advance. Via email I feel I really can express my heart, be spontaneous in connecting and truly stay in touch.

Face-to-face contact will always be vital to relationships and the only choice for confrontation and real-time dialog in which you need the benefit of body language and voice tone to fully understand. But for the day-to-day and in-between times, email keeps the lines of communication open and flowing.

Like clear connections, good manners never go out of style.

Polite Pilot Teaches Lesson in Receiving

I've been encouraged to comment on Capt. Chesley Sullenberger, the pilot who safely landed a full passenger jet in the Hudson River after a collision with a flock of birds disabled the plane.

Sullenberger’s response to the reaction of the public to his life-saving deeds and his journey to that response has taught us a great lesson in the joy of giving and receiving. Sullenberger wrote in the Feb. 23 issue of Newsweek magazine: “It’s been a difficult adjustment, initially because of the ‘hero’ mantle that was pushed in my direction. I felt for a long time that that wasn’t an appropriate word…. That was why initially I decided that if someone offered me the gift of their thankfulness, I should accept it gratefully – but then not take it on as my own.

"As time when by, though, I was better able to put everything in perspective and realize how this event had touched people’s lives, how ready they were for good news, how much they wanted to feel hopeful again.”

Sullenberger came to realize that the gifts of people’s thankfulness and joy expressed to him were as important for the givers as they were for him.

That is true with any gift. The giver of a gift takes the time and thought to select and purchase something they believe the receiver will enjoy and that will relay a message about their relationship and its value. For all of that sentiment to be conveyed, the receiver must be open to it. She must accept the gift and thoughtfulness behind it.

A receiver who doesn’t know how to accept a gift runs the risk of distancing himself from those who want to show their affection and love. Received indifferently, a gift given in joy can become a source of hurt feelings and damaged relationships.

Since the river landing, Sullenberger and his crew have had to come to terms with the realization that simply by doing their jobs – following their training and valuing the lives on that plane – they became heroes to the people their actions saved and to the rest of us. And that even in accepting the thankfulness and attention of the public, they can remain true to themselves. “That accepting it isn’t selling out,” Sullenberger wrote.

We all should realize that when it comes to giving, heartsense -- that common sense of the heart -- must be present on each end of the exchange.

A Lifetime at the Kids' Table?

Good table manners are important skills children can develop when they are young and benefit from for a lifetime. Parents play an integral role as up-front models for proper table behavior. Here are some basics with which to start.

Teach your child to place a napkin on his lap and use it. Encourage him to eat with a fork unless the food is meant to be eaten with fingers. Help your child to remember to keep his free arm and elbow in his lap while eating and not to rest them on the table.

Remind your child to eat slowly and avoid putting too big of a bite into her mouth, which is unsafe and also rude. Show her how to eat with her mouth closed.

Say "please" and "thank you" when you want something to be passed to you. Your kids will follow suit. Remind children to refrain from making negative comments about what they are served. They may choose not to eat what’s on their plate instead.

And finally, wait for the entire family to finish eating before anyone leaves the table. Then encourage kids to help you clean up. Even toddlers can learn the habit of taking their sippy cup and spoon to the sink. Young children can help load the dishwasher, put away leftover food or wipe the table.

Work as a family to make manners matter. It's the most effective way to instill them.